Every day the story takes another turn

Well I shared this passage two or three years ago, but today I couldn’t help thinking about it. Of course I won’t talk about the same things now. Anyhow, here it goes: 

“He (Vronsky) did not know that his behavior toward Kitty had a name of its own, that it was decoying a girl with no intentions of marrying her, & is one of the evil actions common among brilliant young men like himself. He thought he was the first to discover this pleasure & he enjoyed his discovery.” 

Leo Tolstoy 

(Anna Karenina) 

Those who have been through it know that it’s quite a painful experience. Others can only judge a young girl, cause that’s the best they can do. I was just 18 + when it happened to me. I know there are far worse things that happen to both men & women. But after going through that study of men being more attracted towards women who act dumb, I couldn’t help thinking about a couple of things. Yes there is no connection. Actually I live in the present & that’s why I’m scribbling right now. 

I mind my own business. Other than myself, I really don’t have time to think about others. My sister & friends think I’m in love, but I’m not. Yes I haven’t felt this way before, but I don’t think it’s going to be any different this time. In fact the other day my mom gave me a piece of mind for even mentioning it on my blog. You know moms are moms. She was like nothing ever happens & you have to tell everyone how you feel. And then there is one stalker & one smelly character who keep an eye on everything, so my mom just doesn’t approve of it. 

I have already taken all the steps & there is no point to do the same thing again. And I’m not going to change my mind, cause twice I got not just disappointed, but also badly hurt by him besides waiting for months. He gives idiotic hints every now & then. And I know from experience that he’s not making fun of me & it’s not a bet either. But still…when you screw up things, you can’t expect the other person to clean up the mess. Unlike others, I won’t get down on my knees. Moreover, it’s not even the right thing to do. And I don’t want to think about other women. But I’m also human, I can’t help thinking. Kuch log biwi ki tarah behave kartay hain & that makes me wonder why. Honestly, I really don’t want to think about anyone’s history, but in this case, certain women want me to get jealous. My friend says that they have feelings of insecurity & that’s why it’s happening. When I was new in the picture, it was easier for them to fuck up things for me, but now I have been around for quite some time…it’s just that I’m not in the picture anymore. 

And I'm the kind of person who takes 7 or 8 years to have another crush, so this headache is going to last for quite some time. 

We’re at a railroad station

“We’re at a railroad station waiting for a train that never comes in.”

Arthur Miller

I wonder how many people think so. I do. This has been my story. My life is a lot better than millions of people out there but there is no escape from waiting. Maybe I’m waiting for the wrong things. Maybe not. But one gets tired of waiting & praying. They say nothing is out of the reach of hope. Hope itself kills when it becomes something like cancer & it does in the long run.

However, when I think about others, & how they have been wronged, I feel that I don’t even have the right to complain. Nothing has been easy. But I know God has protected me a number of times.

However, there is never an easy answer for anything. It’s far more easier to raise questions. I wanted to say a lot but I’ve got to go offline now.

We’re at a railroad station

“We’re at a railroad station waiting for a train that never comes in.”

Arthur Miller

Nothingness

“I’ve spent my life reading, yawning, tinkling the bell of my own little problems, never managing to make a decision – only to find that I have decided, that I chose this war & this defeat, that today has been waiting for me since the beginning of time. Everything’s got to be done over again, & yet, there’s nothing that can be done. The two thoughts interpenetrated, cancelled one another out. Only the unruffled surface of Nothingness remained.”

Jean-Paul Sartre