Yesterday I posted this quote on our blog ‘A Lonely Walk’ & I was wondering why do we crave for company when it’s obvious that we are all alone in this world.
“It’s your road…And yours alone…Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.”
You have to fight your own battles & you have to deal with your mess all by yourself. Whenever we are in deep shit, we are usually all alone. Even your best people don’t give you moral support in bad times. I guess it’s stupidity to go out of your way for such folks who won’t stand for you or by you when you’re in deep trouble.
My near-death experience was a blessing in the sense that it opened my eyes but I was literally called attention seeker by my elder sister even while I was fighting with my death. I really don’t think a person in ICU has time to play idiotic games of attention seeking. I don’t regret helping her out in her marriage & all her stupid, meaningless problems nearly all my life but I was hurt for a long time. But I'm ashamed of myself for siding with her on property fights. I feel so guilty cause parents build homes with so much love & affection & I helped someone destroy it for her own motives. I just can never forgive myself on this. You accept some people with all their faults & their strange nature, you support them in shitty times & they just stab in your back, because that’s all they can give. My mom was not happy with me while I supported my elder sister in all her idiotic problems. I used to hear lectures from her all the time. One of my Mamoos even said to me that your elder sister is just using you & she won’t spit in your face. He was right.
Most of my pals often refer to their ex boyfriends & ex-husbands when they talk about being let down by best people. It’s amusing I always think about my elder sister. My lousy crushes have never harmed me in any way. They had the right to say no. In fact I appreciate the fact that they didn’t say yes, cause they were not right for me. The guy I like right now is also way too complicated & I do have a feeling that I might get hurt. On the other hand, my younger sister is a gift of God. There is just no comparison between Z & my elder sister. I think God balances everything. But still He tells you every time that you are all alone.
Your best people are invariably capable of letting you down. Loyalty for the most part is taken for granted. You know I have always been surrounded by pets & they are so very loyal. Even strays that we feed are damn loyal to us. I know the stray dogs I’m friends with can die for me, but that I cannot say for anyone else. Naturally when I look at humans, I’m disappointed. I do have some very nice pals, but I have met weird folks also & I had been loyal to them. I know I was friends with all the wrong people when I was young & I have paid the price without any bargain.
I’m sure there is a reason for meeting crappy people. Maybe God wants us to become strong. I was very stupid but now I suspect I’m not that stupid anymore. I lost my trust & it was very difficult for me to forgive myself.
I have heard from both my parents that they can’t see me crying…it hurts them, but I have suffered & in spite of having cool & protective parents, I had been stabbed in the back by own elder sister. Anyhow, I do give points to my mom for supporting me & taking my side. My father is dead but I know he wouldn’t have let me down either. He used to support me while he was alive. But you suffer, when you have to suffer. You can’t fight your fate. That’s why I don’t like it when they call me a lucky child. Although I know very well that my life is thousand times better than zillions of people.
This write-up doesn't mean I want anyone to feel guilty about hurting me at any point. I wouldn't have been the person that I'm today, if I haven't been through tough times. It happens with almost everyone & I wasn't any different but I've learnt a great deal & I think that now I'm a better person.
It's your road (continued)
It's your road (continued)
